"And she fell in love exactly the same way that an intelligent woman falls in love: like an 'idiot'; even if he had not even been able to understand all the poems she had read to him to prove his love … "– Angeles Mastretta –
We know they are not good for us, they will hurt us, but a kind of masochistic instinct attracts us every time we see a bad boy who seems to us.
Chemistry is not the same with them, there is risk, intensity, danger, emotion. It's a completely intoxicating cocktail.
And when our bad boy disappears, that of course we tried to make him change, we cry and we cry for days whining about our fate.
What attracts us to bad boys?
Bad boys represent everything we love, which seems interesting, risky, dangerous and different. We know they will disappear overnight without a tracethey will leave with another, but we like it anyway.
But then, what attracts us so much?
We all feel great satisfaction when we transgress the normsand going out with a bad boy with whom your parents have forbidden you to go out, or being with him when you should not, is a real pleasure.
This is what the experts call "conscious fear", which is not painful, but rewarding. The Hungarian psychoanalyst Michael Balint argues that the distraction of the "dark side" is possible because we ourselves are responsible for this attraction and we can control it.
However, we do not all feel the same desire for the forbidden, because many cultural, environmental and genetic factors come into play.
The desire to be elected
When a bad boy notices you and pays attention to you, you want to be the one he chooses, even if it's only for an instant class, or even for a few hours.
Even if you are well aware that it will only be stealthy, you want it because it makes you feel good. For a few moments, you will be the one and only.
The idea that with you, it will change
In the initial blindness phase in the face of a bad boy, we veil our face thinking that we will succeed in changing itthat we will succeed in making him become better, that he will admire us and that he will be mad about us.
This is a love phase in which we do not perceive any defect. Our brain secretes such a quantity of endorphins that it completely confuses us.
It's fun, very funny …
Even if we wait for hours for a phone call or a message from him, even if we know that it will disappear, and even if we are aware that it will not last, we know how much this will be fun and we agree to stay until the end, when he decides to leave.
However, all these ideas from Romani moviesonly describe an incomplete love.
To be whole, love must bring together several aspects, but especially three elements: the sexual desire (eros), the friendship of the couple (philia), and the selfless love (agapé). If these three elements are not all present, something is missing from your relationship and it will not work.
Scientific studies on the "Black Triad"
Peter Jonason of the State University of New Mexico conducted a study with 200 students to show that women preferred bad boys, but ended up marrying the good guys.
Jonason classifies men according to three characteristics of personality, which we call "the black triad of psychological traits":
In bad boys, narcissism is linked in the short term to sex. They then compete, then push the girls away.
Psychopathy is generally characterized by a great lack of sensitivity and empathy. These people are successful in short relationships because they give off a false charm, completely superficial.
Exploitation and manipulation of Machiavelli
Machiavellianism is characterized by a lack of sincerity, duplicity and manipulation, which promotes promiscuity.
Jonason's study found that men with "darker" psychological traits tended to have more companions and short-term relationships.
And the good boys in all this?
In the long run, the choice of women changes.
The PhD in Progressive Psychology Gayle Brewer, Lancashire Central University (UK), argues that women prefer bad boys for short relationships, but that in the long run they favor the "good" boys, attentive and that convey values of security, empathy and camaraderie.
"In impossible loves, hope is the first thing you lose."– Walter Riso –
Walter Riso, an Argentine psychologist, says in his book "Manuel not to die of love":
"You've been taught that hope is the last thing you should let go, and that's certainly true in some cases. However, in cases of impossible love or avowed defamation and demonstrated, despair is a balm. If he does not love you anymore, do not hope anymore, stop anticipating positively: an intelligent pessimist is better than an uninformed optimist. "
So, when that bad boy disappears, he's no longer interested in you, and maybe he's even found another one. It is therefore essential to lose hope as quickly as possible, so as not to give you an illusion and regain some self-esteem. But how to do it ?
Riso offers us several techniques to regain self-confidence in a case of rupture or chaotic relationship:
- Remove phrases such as "I can not" and "I can not" from your vocabulary.
- Do not be pessimistic. If you have too many negative thoughts about your future, stop for a while and take stock: are these thoughts really realistic?
- Do not be fatalistic. It is you who are building your destiny.
- Do not remember that negative sides. Many times in the day, activate your positive memory, think of all those beautiful things that happened to you in life.
- Review your goals and you will see that you can continue to move forward: you are strong.
- Put yourself to the test and take risks. Set a realistic goal and do everything you can to get there.
"I fell in love with life because it's the only one who will not leave me until I've done it."– Pablo Neruda –