When we are afraid of love

When we are afraid of love

"Faint, dare, be furious,
rough, tender, liberal, fierce,
brave, moral, dead, alive,
loyal, traitor, cowardly and brave;

not to find center and rest elsewhere than in the good,
to be joyful, sad, humble, haughty,
angry, brave, fugitive,
satisfied, offended, suspicious;

run away from the face of the clear disappointment,
drink venom as a sweet liquor,
forget profit, love suffering;

to believe that heaven is perhaps a hell,
to give a life and a soul to a disappointment;
all that is love, and whoever has been there knows it well "

-Lope of Vega-

This is how Lope de Vega described love in his poem titled Various effects of Loveas beautiful as contradictory. But, what would happen if we were not able to manifest our love?

Philophobia is the fear of falling in love and letting go.

It manifests itself especially in the first months of the relationship, when a wonderful feeling pushes us to idealize the other, to believe that he is perfect, and to feel a strong desire to spend as much time as possible with him.

In addition to providing us with these idyllic sensations, love also leads us to adapt our lives to each otherto soften some of our character, and to change some of our behaviors in order to live a love story with each other. It is a change that occurs naturally, and that the frenzy of the beginning prevents us from seeing.

However, because of philophobia, we can not actively participate in these situations.

We do not invest, we do not show ourselves as we are, and we do not allow ourselves to share our life with each other in an authentic and profound way.

What are the causes of philophobia?

The fact of following a therapy with a psychologist can help us to discover the causes of this fear, which vary from one person to another and which depend on the experiences of each one.

However, there is one thing in common: philophobia is a way of protecting oneself from the dark part of lovebecause to love is also to suffer sometimes.

If love does not enter our life

it's because we do not allow it

The reasons can be various: the scars of sentimental disillusionment that prevent us from starting again, the inability to be sincere with the other, the habit and selfishness not allowing us to abandon our style of life, the freedom that we feel when we are single, etc.

Often, the causes hide in childhood, like growing up in a family in which you do not learn to love, or to recognize love, where you do not get used to being guided by affectivity, to talk about feelings or needs of affection not met by the parents.

In these situations, the answers obtained and the experienced disillusion encyst and become the only known mode of bonding oneself to others, which is therefore reflected successively in all the sentimental relationships in which one will engage.

This automatism is the most dangerous becausewe think that by showing love to each other, we will necessarily be rejected or humiliated, or that a relationship can only be superficial.

How does the philophobic behave and who is it?

Anyone who knows this blockage feels a great lack of self-confidence, an inability to calm down and give up feeling, and the fear of experiencing love as well as a deep and sincere relationship.

Often it is an unconscious fearthat we are unable to explain or admit, but that is at the root of many behaviors that prevent us from developing a relationship.

It's a phobia of all effects, that's why we find exactly the same symptoms that can occur in the context of a phobia.

Some of them may be:

  • The fear persistent, excessive and irrational.
  • An anxious response face the stimulus of phobia.
  • Panic attacks.
  • Sleep disorders.

These moods lead the philophobic to avoid the situation to the origin of the phobia, and to feel in advance of anxiety or discomfort if he is engaged in a relationship.

The result is the inability to establish an empathic and profound relationshipthus depriving us of one of the jewels of life: to love and to be loved.

How to overcome philophobia?

It's always worth taking risks,

if what is at stake is love

The first step is to admit it. We must realize that in life, our choices are conditioned by this uncontrollable fear.

Going to see a psychologist can help us understand the reasons for such behavior, and the most appropriate way to overcome this blockage.

Remember the following things:

  • Do not reject the possibility of falling in love and to live a stable and lasting relationship.
  • We do not have a crystal ball, we can not know how a story will end, that's why there is no point in assuming that things will go wrong.
  • Let's avoid comparing our relationship of the moment with our past loves.Every story is differentbecause each companion is different.
  • Let's not wait for life to give us a perfect relationshipbecause perfection does not exist. Even finished relationships, as painful as they may have been, teach us something and allow us to be who we are today.
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