When our ex come back

When our ex come back

A message, a call and they are there: our ex-partners reapply. At the very moment when we had exorcised their names and oxygenated our hearts, they come back as drug addicts in search of their dose of ego. They appear as smoke sellers evoking the good times shared, idealizing a love never perfect, nor ideal and even less flourishing.

It looks a lot like a B series horror movie title: The ex always come back. However, this often shared assertion is neither true nor true every time. Affective relations are of all types, more or less happy, more or less ripe and with protagonists with different personality and behavioral styles.

” I am the ego, I want it is the desire; eliminate ego and desire and you have peace.  “

-Sri Sathya Sai Baba

There are those who come back, there is no doubt, but there are also those who disappear forever, such as the tears we once shed for them. There are some who are still present in our social circle, so that we maintain a cordial and friendly relationship with them. Each person is a world and each world presents its own psychological "biodiversity".

That said, among all this flora and fauna, there is a pattern that is often repeated. We are referring here to this ex who decides to come back to upset, who returns hungry for recognition and knock on our door in the same way that he returns to it: out of selfishness.

When our ex come back to claim what they lost

Sometimes our ex-spouses come back to claim something they think is theirs. The psychological strategies often used to appropriate our emotional spaces are as recurrent as they are exhausting. They do not hesitate to tell us that they alone can make us happy, that no one knows us so well and that our story was something unique, that we can not give for lost.

They run to our psychological gates, calling with exquisite sweetness that reminds us of passages from a past that reopens wounds, infects them, and veils a balance that we have so painfully reached. It does not fail to remind us of the saying that "who leaves without being fired, returns without being calledWe can therefore wonder that we have not clearly ended this relationship and that, in a way, by not clarifying things, we encourage our ex-partners to come back.

It is clear that this is not true. There are people who do not conceive the ends, who do not live and do not live, and who even believe themselves to be able to claim what they think to be theirs. These are sometimes very harmful or even violent situations, based on a complex and dangerous cerebral mechanism. So, authors as famous as anthropologist and biologist Helen Fisher tell us that there are people who can not manage and tolerate emotional breakdown.

Their brain usually shows hyperactivity in the tegmentum and nucleus accumbens. These are regions related to addictions, obsessions and the reward system. It is intensified by the excessive release of a very specific neurotransmitter: dopamine.

Sometimes we say enough! Enough to live in a continuous emotional circle, to make our life with people for whom everything is dramatic and exhaust our resources. However, despite havinglairementannounced, and bluntly, that everything is over, it is these ex who come back claim what they believe to be theirs, invade and disrupt our spaces, driven by an unhealthy obsession.

Do not reopen doors that must remain closed forever

Sometimes our ex come back when they have a bad time with their new spouse. It's very common when they do not get enough attention or when their ego pool is red, below the minimum. They send us a springtime message full of evocative nostalgia while we least expect it. And sometimes, we give in.

That we fall into the trap is understandable, but that we bite the hook to swallow it, it is not recommended. As everyone takes different directions to rebuild their lives, it is not healthy to knock on each other's door by shining what we have left behind. It is also not worthy or acceptable to solicit his ex at a time when he does not feel sufficiently valued in his current relationship.

"Emotional terrorists" exist, and there are some in both sexes, it's clear. They come to us to destroy everything that was rebuilt after the breakup, they come with hucksters' gifts, with suitcases, with compliments to double drawers.It is therefore necessary to have a nose and a radar alert to detect this spell driven by the ego instead of love, which feeds on interests and not genuine affections.

Each couple is a world we know and it is very possible that the relationships we leave behind deserve a new opportunity. It is something that everyone should appreciate with meticulous wisdom and never by impulse. However, if there is one thing we should be careful about, there are doors that do not deserve to be reopened or thresholds that should never have been crossed.

Since we did it, since we tried it and lived an experience that left us more marks than smiles, let's be clever, be careful and put under seal what has shown us only falsehoods.

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