Nobody dares to recognize it out loud, but it happens very often: we do not rejoice that the other is happy. This other may be the spouse, a childhood friend and even a child. All human connections are likely to generate that kind of feeling.
We are supposed, when we really love someone, that his sorrows and joys are ours. This is what the theory and tacit agreement of the politically correct says. But this is not always the case in practice.We would always like to have size to rejoice that the other is happy. But the opposite happens sometimes.
” Our desire lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy. “
-François de La Rochefoucauld-
Most of the time we are not able to admit it out loud. We simply state some warm congratulations, as we feel that something is twisting in us. It may even be that we try to minimize its success by interposing a "but", or "attention is not what you think".We know deep down that his triumph generates some frustration. What is going on ? How can we handle this?
When it hurts that the other is happy
The fact that the other is happy is not always painful.However, we can sometimes experience tremendous happiness because of the success of a other. It is a wonderful feeling that grows up and improves the relationship. Therefore, why does the awkward shadow of envy sometimes appear?
Let's first say that we are all human beings and that we are led to experience all kinds of feelings, good or bad. They are not the privilege of a few. We all feel it once, to a greater or greater extent. So, if we do not have to be proud of it, we must not blame ourselves for feeling envied for someone we love.
We find it painful that the other is happy because we are not well. Perhaps we have worked to achieve similar success. The other gets it and we do not.We believe its success but we can not avoid that it reminds us of our desireunsatisfied. We unintentionally compare his happiness with our sadness and decide that there is something wrong here. It is something we feel a lot but do not think about very much.
The other is not a mirror
All of this happens to us when we see each other as if it were a reflection of ourselves. In other words, when we perceive it as if everything of it was equal to ours.We leave aside the context in which its fulfillment occurred. We focus only on the result he got. A result we would have also wanted for ourselves.
The secret is to broaden this perspective.Do not just look at what this person has got but look at all that she has had to do for that, and all that we are missing to achieve it. It is a way to humanize the situation and find the elements that differentiate us.
We make a narcissistic projection about the other when we see it as if it were our reflection. That's when our ego gets hurt and that it hurts us that the other is happy. On the contrary, we can understand his merit when we decide to consider him as someone independent of us. And we are happy for him.
Learn from the situation and mature
Feeling jealous of someone we love is normal. It does not make us a bad person or a bad person.What you should avoid, however, is to let that feeling grow and feed it through suspicion or resentment. It does not help anything. On the contrary. This creates a gap in the link with the other person from whom we could learn a lot.
It's time to grow up. There are things that we long for and never get. Things we want and we only get after great efforts. Others we get a lot easier than we thought. The same thing happens to others. What changes, however, is that it sometimes happens at different times, or that it does not happen in the same proportion.
The fact that it hurts the other person to be happy means that we decenter ourselves. We judge what we have on the basis of external elements. This is a big mistake. The evolution of each person is completely unique and has nothing to do with that of others. They are different and exist under different circumstances. So that the results obtained are also dissimilar.
Envy can be removed by identifying it and accepting it. In other words, recognizing, generously, thatthe other deserves what he has obtained and love must prevail over these little meannesses.