Sentimental relationships are, without a doubt, one of the most important aspects of our lives. It is perhaps for this reason that they are also the ones that generate the most headaches. But why do most people suffer so many complications in their relationships? One of the main reasons is the power of expectations in the relationship.
We all have in our minds an idea of what would be a perfect love story. We dream of someone ideal, who was exactly like we wanted him to be. Unfortunately, the real world is almost never as perfect as our fantasies.
So when we start going out with someone, our own desires make us bitter if they become uncontrollable. When comparing the other person to an ideal, it is almost impossible for him not to lose. That's why, in this article, we explain how to avoid the negative effects of expectations on the relationship.
Why are expectations causing problems?
We humans are causing a lot of suffering to each other with our rational mind. Albert Ellis, the father of rational emotional therapy, said that what causes us pain is not what happens to us. On the contrary, the fault lies in what we tell ourselves about what happens to us.
So, even before starting a new relationship, we know exactly how it should be. When our new partner departs a little from what we expected, it drives us crazy. We say things like, "I can not support it ! " or, "It's horrible ! “
With this kind of thinking, it's no wonder that the expectations in the relationship are so damaging. In addition, the problem is aggravated because we do not tell the other person what we want them to do. Unfortunately, it is customary to start dating someone and expect them to guess exactly how they should behave towards us.
Then, when the other person inevitably breaks some of our unspoken rules, we get angry and we regret it. Is there an alternative to this behavior that is so unhelpful to our well-being?
Avoiding the negative consequences of expectations in relationships
Here are some tips to prevent your expectations from further sabotaging your relationships.
1- Be a little more flexible
Sometimes, it feels like looking for a partner using a shopping list. We have a number of requirements that the other person must meet, and we are totally uncompromising with it. The problem is that human beings are rarely perfect, so it is almost impossible for anyone to fully adapt to the expectations of an ideal partner.
So stop trying to find someone 100% perfect. Try to live a little longer in the moment. Expectations are good, but you have to make sure you do not go to extremes because it will hurt you and help you.
2- Explain what is not negotiable
Does this mean that we should not expect anything from our new partner? Nothing could be further from the truth. It is essential that you discover where your own limits lie: things that are not really negotiable for you. And once you discover them, you must be able to pass them on to the other person.
This way, your partner can know exactly what is really bothering you. That way, it will be easier for him not to hurt you without realizing it. This will ensure that the vast majority of the problems that are experienced in romantic relationships do not appear in yours.
3- Ask your partner what are his limits
Finally, it is very good that you know clearly that you know what is not negotiable for you. However, for the relationship to be really functional, you must know the limits of your partner. The easiest way to find out is, of course, to ask.
Sadly, not everyone is clear on what is really important to their well-being. So, if you see that your partner can not tell you what he needs and really bothers you, you will have to help him find out. Only by knowing exactly what they are you will be able to avoid together problems that create expectations in the relationship.