Emotional ignorance is a major obstacle to relationships. The inability to connect with one's own feelings and those of others is a major obstacle to creating strong, healthy and lasting relationships. And above all, to connect with oneself. In fact, this difficulty is the great challenge of emotionally inaccessible people, those who build walls around their heart to avoid feeling vulnerable and who sometimes run away when strong emotions manifest themselves.
These are profiles characterized by a clear emotional immaturity, where even love can be perceived as a great threat. This does not mean that they do not have relationships, but rather that they tend to abandon them or close when emotions surface. It is as if they are always walking with a shell on their back to take refuge when they need it, especially when the situation requires a minimum of emotional contact.
Emotionally inaccessible people are experts in creating distances, building walls and erecting fences to avoid intimate contact with others, most often unconsciously. That's why it's so hard to get out of this kind of emotional ostracism.
How are people emotionally inaccessible?
Emotionally inaccessible people are just like everyone else, in appearance. They have their tastes, their passions, their works, their personal history, their faults and, of course, their virtues. However, they do not have the ability to identify and manage emotions. They have never wondered how they are doing and have never questioned their own malaise.
These are people who have an aura of emotional coldness and who also need to flee when faced with the slightest symptom of suffering. They are "escaped" from the discomfort, with a doctorate in self-illusion. And the same thing happens if the emotion that invades them is too positive. They may be able to benefit more, but that does not mean they are not afraid, especially if these emotions are related to others.
By putting a lot of emotional distance in their relationships, they often look like cold people who have little interest in what's going on around them. In reality, they have trouble sticking up to not feel vulnerable. Thus, emotional coldness is their defense mechanism, the way they have learned to protect themselves from the wounds of the past.
Being in touch with this type of person can be very frustrating and complicatedespecially if it is a relationship, because the need to connect emotionally will be almost impossible. Even when they are unable to identify the emotional state of the other person, when faced with the other person's pain, tears, or recriminations, they may feel bored, overwhelmed, and have a strong need to escape.
As we said, emotional inaccessibility tends to be unconscious. However, these people spend a lot of psychological energy to avoid confronting their emotions. For this reason, it is only when they become aware of what is happening to them that they can do something. But their defense mechanisms are so automated, they can fight to the end without realizing their vulnerability.
What can emotionally inaccessible people do to put an end to this dynamic?
Is it then possible to shed light on this strong emotional block? The answer is yesbut adding that it is not easy. It all depends on the person's acceptance of the difficulty and the degree of change that they want to achieve.
Therefore, the first step is to realize it. So, as you become self-aware and allow yourself to experience all that the emotional world implies, you can move forward. In this way, the pain and fear, theirs and those of others, will begin to become visible: little by little, with a good dose of honesty and with a lot of effort.
"One of the pitfalls of childhood is that you do not have to understand something to feel it, and when reason is able to understand what happened, the wounds in your heart are already too deep. "
-Carlos Ruiz Zafon-
Once the first contacts have been established at the emotional level and you have learned to identify the emotions, the next step will be to train the ability to choose how to react to different situations, thus avoiding automatisms. It is one of the most powerful tools for emotionally inaccessible people.
On the other hand, it is also important to mention that people who are around emotionally inaccessible people must also take care of themselves and practice understanding if they want to stay with them. And also, to work on themselves to see how to deal with this situation and, most importantly, to understand the reasons that lead them to continue. This is what the psychology doctor Gabriella Kortsch tells us.
Also, another fundamental aspect is to understand that in this type of situation it is not a question of blaming the partner. Even for Gabriella Korstsh, the person who connects with an emotionally inaccessible person has unresolved conflicts that they must resolve and this particular couple brings these questions to the surface. In the same way, they relate to each other in the best way they have learned so far.
We must not forget that sometimes the solution is also to end the relationship, because we can not force the other person to change and demand that she be who she is not. Because if one person is unwilling to be emotionally ready for another person and that other person needs it, there is no choice but to end a relationship that is becoming more and more untenable.
"Speak so that I know you."