The decline of illusion for another person is like a perfume that gradually loses its odor.We do not know why, but laughter produces less tickling every day and the looks stop searching with desire. It's not always easy to know when it's time to end a relationship. But doing so in a timely and appropriate manner avoids both unnecessary and painful emotional costs.
We could approach this article in the manner expected by many people. Offer guidelines and strategies to recover the lost illusion. Because everyone deserves a second chance. Because some things are worth fighting for. There is, however, an obvious fact that we see very often in couple therapies.Many people who ended their relationship knew for almost a year that they had stopped loving their spouse.
"A story has neither beginning nor end: we arbitrarily choose that moment from which to look back or from which to look to the future."-Graham Greene-
So, as curious as it may be, so is friendship. We often strive to make a "chewing gum" that has been out of flavor for a long time. However, we choose to maintain these links for a variety of reasons. For questions that can be summarized in one dimension: fear.We are afraid to leave something that until recently granted us happiness, satisfaction and well-being.
We are afraid to be alone.We are afraid to be sincere. To tell the other, without anesthesia or hot compress, "I do not want to go on because I stopped loving you. "We are afraid, in essence, of hurting the other person.
The decline of illusion: when the other disappears from our priorities
The world of psychology has tackled the question of failed relationships and the decline of illusion for more than three decades. Figures as relevant as John Gottman orHarville Hendricks taught us ways and strategiess in order to save our emotional bonds. We have learned what must be done to keep love alive. We know what these "horsemen of the apocalypse" who, according to Gottman, can anticipate a break. Or how to differentiate good relationships from those that only generate suffering.
There is however a fact more than obvious.Some relationships expire without the possibility of "backtracking". Continuing to invest time, effort and emotional outbursts makes no sense when there is no illusion or embers to stir it up. The same is true when new chances have been given with always the same results. When the barriers are insurmountable and we only perceive distance. When our inner world is only disenchantment, chiaroscuro and malaise.
Few sciences are as uncertain as that which governs the world of illusions in the human being. We could say that his enemy is the routine and that his kryptonite is the wrong way to do those who do not like as they should, those who do not know how to take care of themselves and take things for granted. We know we are not always competent only in matters of the heart when it comes to declining its forms, its times, its norms.The decline of the illusion, however, is not a misspelling. This happens often, like that, without more.
Disappointment, disenchantment, discover the other without the bandages we had on the eyes … We could give a thousand reasons and formulate a thousand other theories to explain this unexpected void in our relations. However, this decline of illusion for another person often does not derive from what others do or do not do.It's often we who have changed. We who no longer vibrated at this frequency, who no longer find motivation in the motives of the other.
What to do when disillusion appears?
In love, as in friendship, the waiting rooms are not good. No excuses, or pass the time to see what happens.Either we fight for what we love, or we let go of what we liked so as not to hurt.Nothing is solved by magic. The illusion does not return by itself if we do not promote change, if we do not combine our efforts to bring the relationship to another level to transform the link in a more rewarding way.
It is necessary to act accordingly when the illusion is already on the decline. Doing hard what is inevitable generates suffering. Living false illusions only feeds us with a love substitute that generates indigestion. It makes us feel bad and, like a contagious virus, reaches the other to make it sick as well.After doing everything we can for this relationship, we often have to do the healthiest thing: put some distance.
The illusion sometimes presents the strange property of being transformed over time. We can not always control it. We can not always hold her forever in our bonds with others. That it is extinguished is sometimes the law of life.The important thing is that it continues to appear on our roads, alongside someone or alone, but always there, present, constant, invigorating.