We all know what a debt is: a payment commitment that must be respected between two entities. However, few people pay attention to those debts that are very present in relationships. Especially in those of the couple.They are called relational debts.
They arise when we give up a significant part of ourselves in a relationship.A part that supposes a sacrifice, a real effort. Nevertheless, it is not a selfless act: through it, we expect other things from the other person. These things will make up for what we did for her. By doing this, we incur a debt. And no one realizes it.
The trap of relational debts
Relational debts represent a trap that we are almost never aware of. This trap arises from the lack of sincere communication in the relationship. Instead of showing the effort of a situation that we do not like or that requires a lot of work, we give in and keep quiet.
So,a debt is emerging. The other person will not be aware of it and therefore will not assume it.What happens then? The recriminations will begin. Just like inexplicable tantrums and another series of situations that are really nothing more than a manifestation of what we support and dislike. Faced with this, we demand a reward.
For example, imagine that our spouse has to go to work in another country. This is an incredible opportunity. We decide to accompany him and, for that, we leave our own work hoping to find another one in this new country. Gold,with time, we start to blame each other. Why ? Because we do not find work or are far from our family.
Moreover, we will constantly tell him that we sacrificed ourselves to allow him to develop professionally, leaving everything to him / her.The recriminations will be constant. We want the other person to reward us for our sacrifice.But do we realize the relational debt we have contracted? Or the trap in which we fell?
"There is a very subtle difference between doing something voluntarily, even if it means sacrificing ourselves, and doing it hoping to get something back."Share
Relationship debts or emotional blackmail?
Relational debts can contract in couple, friendship or family relationships.They even end up sometimes turning into emotional blackmail. We demand what we believe we deserve and we sacrifice ourselves to be able to ask for something in return. We give without limits to demand in return. And we are looking for multiple compensations that seem to have no end.
It is common to think that if we give in to our relationship with someone, we will be rewarded in some way.In any relationship, there must be a constant exchange. We must give and receive. However, this is very far from what we call relational debts.
How to avoid relational debts?
These debts are contracted to show the other that it matters to us a lot. And also to ask him things in exchange for our great sacrifice.We want to exercise control that we do not have.That's when blackmail begins. The essential question is: can we avoid all this?
Yes, this situation can be avoided. For starters, we should be clear from the beginning and, although it may sound a little cold,manifest to the other person what we expect in exchange for the effort we are making.If we know that we will not receive a small portion of what we expect, we will probably refuse to make a sacrifice.
It is also necessary to have your eyes open to be aware of the sacrifices that other people may be making for us.We must explain to them what we are not willing to tolerate and specify the requirements that we will not accept in exchange for what they do for us.
Without good communication, it is likely to see relational debts.Share
We almost all contracted relationship debts without realizing it. Debts that weaken our bonds, which provoke painful breaks and which lead to enmities that we could avoid.What if we start by removing all these debts and learn to never contract them again?