Mistrust in the relationship is a scourge. It often begins imperceptibly. But it spreads quickly and becomes invasive. Mistrust is precisely one of the factors that, if not treated and cured in a timely manner, ends up damaging the link and reducing it to its minimal expression, destroying it.
There is an important idea about the concept: trust is learned, distrust also. It's not a feeling who is born independentlybut rather the fruit of a more or less conscious reflection arising from experience. We are all entering into a relationship with a past, which explains, at least in part, our attitude to be more or less generous in terms of mutual trust.
In most cases, mistrust in the relationship arises as one or both members have shown themselves to be an insecure pillar that can collapse at the most unexpected time. There are obviously cases where suspicion has more to do with neuroticism, cases in which distrust is present regardless ofa few reasons. In such cases, whatever the situation and its causes, this is a serious problem that needs to be addressed and resolved.
” What solitude is it more lonely than mistrust?”-George Eliot-
Reasons for mistrust in the relationship
Mistrust in the relationship has many causes. She is born most often after an episode of infidelity. This is not the only reason for this to take shape. Any action that disappoints the other sows the seeds of this harmful condition.The main reasons of mistrust in the couple relationship are :
- Discover that the other is someone who is lying in a recurring way.
- The frustrated promises. They promise and do not run.
- When we realize that the other is not known enough. He likes something and then abandons it. He does not know what he wants.
- When the other shows difficulties in dealing with the consequences of his actions, he is elusive or irresponsible.
There are obviously many cases in which mistrust comes from unfounded motivations. These are cases where there is a predisposition to mistrust. The main reasons for this are:
- Lack of self-confidence. The person feels that they are not good enough for each other.
- To have experienced treason and not to have treated them.
- Coming from a home where some disappoint others and where the bonds of mistrust have prevailed.
- Having betrayed someone and unconsciously projecting a need for punishment for it. "The thief judges his condition".
- Excessive dependence and fear of abandonment.
- Prejudice against men or women.
The first thing: to check oneself
Once mistrust is established in the relationship, it is not easy to make it disappear. It is not impossible either. It takes a lot of hard work, perseverance and good will to do it. It is worthwhile, however, since the existence of love, in the form of complicity, is always a good reason.
First, it is important to assess why there is mistrust in the relationship.It is especially necessary to know if it obeys objective reasons or comes more from a neurotic matrix.
It is also important to review theexpectations we have with respect tothe other.Every human being failsso that when we wait for the other to be perfect to trust him, we are really wasting our time. Trust does not come from the fact that the other does not fail. Rather, it is the certainty that if the other fails, it does not do so deliberately or in bad faith.
Dialogue, the only true solution
Dialogue is always the ideal solution for resolving mistrust issues in the relationship. This is paradoxical in that to dialogue, you have to trust. However, this is the only real way to arrive, either to the understanding or to the belief that we are in the presence of a link that has no future.
To dialogue means to display with calm and affection the reasons that lead us to be wary.The key is not focusing on the other, but on ourselves. The dialogue is not meant to point out the actions of the other, but to say what we feel about the other doing or saying, or not doing or not saying, certain things. Help him understand the origin of our suffering.
Dialogue is also about listening. Without precautions. Without reacting automatically to anything. By taking the time to digest what the other person says, without judging or qualifying his words. When love exists, dialogue strengthens the relationship and helps to find the direction to follow. If dialogue is impossible and mistrust persists, it is time to think of other horizons.