This person who has done you so much harm, does she deserve that you forgive him? You have probably asked yourself this question more than once.
If it is a loved one, maybe you will consider a little more the importance of forgiveness.
However, a doubt remains: to forgive means to be reconciled? We make the decision to forgive so we do not live in rancor anymore, but that does not mean that we have to find the same relationship as before.
When you've been betrayed, it's pretty hard to make the relationship go on as if nothing has happened. Imagine that your trust is a crystal cup that falls and breaks into a thousand pieces. Obviously, it will not be able to return to its initial state if we pick up the pieces.
It must be taken into account that when one forgives one's mistakes, one also forgives oneself. In other words, by forgiving, we free ourselves from the pain, the toxic emotions and the negative feelings that haunt our inner feelings.
But there is no point in saying "I forgive you" if you do not really think it. One must be aware and honest when one pronounces these three words carrying meaning and value.
Forgiveness can forge a reconciliation. Indeed, it is not a sinéquanone condition; in other words, one can forgive without necessarily following the same path as the other. Each path forks from the moment we decide to forgive and, at the same time, to let go.
But this does not happen overnight because forgiveness is a gradual process that takes a long time to develop. Beyond forgiveness, every time we think back to what caused the argument, we feel sadness and anger, which proves that we have not completely forgiven.
As Miguel Ruiz says in his book The four agreements, Forgiveness is the only way to healing. You will realize that you have forgiven someone if by seeing this person (or thinking of them), you feel no negative emotions.
One could compare forgiveness to the healing of a wound that one would have made in the hand by cutting an apple. While the injury will be healing, it will hurt us if we touch it. Once the skin has regenerated, there may still be a scar on the site of the injury, even if it will not hurt anymore.
In the case of forgiveness, it is effective only if one does not suffer any more by remembering this situation which in a first one hurt us.
Remember this beautiful quote on the consequences of a bad or no pardon: "Do not forgive is like seizing a hot embers with the intention of throwing them on the other: it is you who will burn first."
On the other hand to forgive, it can also be helpful to remember that forgiveness is like a form of self-healing, a way to get rid of the pain.
How, when and why to forgive? It all depends on the individual experience of each. There is no rule or magic recipe that would say for example: "following deception in the couple, wait two weeks to forgive".
Only you will feel when the most forgiving moment comes, and only you will know if you still need to work on you to achieve that goal.
And in some cases, it's time that will heal your wounds, because time is undoubtedly the best healing of heart wounds.
To forgive or not is a personal decision, and in any case, this decision will have an impact on your life, whether in the present or in the future.
Some deceptions are more difficult to forgive than others, but we must also remember that we are not perfect, and the error is human.
Thinking in this way, we do not justify deception, but we simply encourage you to be a little less strict and less hard with this person, who surely feels guilty for what she did to you.
Therefore, we must keep in mind that forgiveness is not something that benefits the other but to oneself, since forgiving, we are discharging a significant and dangerous weight that can harm our heart.
So, forgive more, and you will feel much lighter!