Here is the main cause of disputes

Here is the main cause of disputes

One who does not want to hear anything and does not listen to what others say. The other who screams. Two people who accuse each other, without making any argument …The main cause of disputes is almost always the same. Especially if one deviates towards insults and conflicts void of sense but full of contempt and pride. We are talking, of course, about the lack of empathy.

Think about the last time we had a fight with someone. Most of the time,when we start these dynamics that start from a difference, a provocation or a criticism, we try to impose our truth. We want the other to take our point of view. That he is aware of his error, of his wrong or unfair vision of things.

In addition, another point often appears: the establishment of defensive behaviors.We are entering a state where the carapaces open and where protection and attack are sought above all else.We often see this in our relationships, in those disputes where one or both of the members start hurting each other and making beating … While both are hiding behind a position victim.

"Your state of mind is your destiny."


Many of these disputes would be solved earlier if we put into practice the magic word: empathy. Simply trying to take into account the reality of the other and to understand it would humanize the conflicts much more and make them even more useful. However, we almost always make the same mistake:we let ourselves be carried away by our emotions. These veil reason, extinguish common sense and establish insurmountable distances.

The main cause of disputes is almost always the same: the lack of empathy.

Lack of empathy and understanding, the main cause of arguments

If we all have the same desire, it is to feel understood.When someone questions some things about us, we criticize or refute our "truths", we do not see a threat.Anger and rage appear shortly after.It is an attack on our emotional homeostasis and we are not long in starting an argument.

If we take a quick look at this less scientific and more popular literature on the subject of conflict, we will first come across the classic article ofHow to win an argument in 6 stepsorHow to emerge victorious and triumphant from an argument.We take our disagreements and arguments for battlefields. As if there always had to be a winner and a loser.It is time to correct this idea.

The most common cause of disputes is not that the world is full of narcissistic people. People with whom we can never reason, profiles eager for new arguments. These profiles exist but they do not represent 100% of the population.The main cause of our conflicts is our lack of understanding of each other and the lack of real, practical and useful empathy.

When we understand each other and discover his reality, we are more inclined to give in, more open to this reciprocity that allows us to reach enriching agreements.

Many must think that it is only good intentions. Because in life, many disputes start from an unjust trigger or a real offense that must be tackled at all costs. Even in these situations,it is good to put yourself in the other person's shoes to discover that it may be of no use to start a fight.This would be synonymous with lost time.

Empathy is the best starting point for any situation.See, feel and decipher the other so that you can act accordingly.

How to get along?

We now know that the main cause of disputes is the misuse of empathy.How can we put it into practice to avoid these situations and reach an agreement?Here are some strategies.

  • When we disagree with someone, we must do the following:ask ourselves why we feel so.Let's see what lies behind this embarrassment, this annoyance caused by a word or a comment (is it an unfair attack or is there something real about this criticism, something we do not accept?)
  • Once our emotional reality is defined, as well as the reason for this malaise, it will be time to do the same with the other person.Let's try to put ourselves in the other's shoes and to guess, to understand, to discover.Is this person unsure of herself? Is that why she attacks me? Is she embarrassed by something I've done in the past and still keeps that grudge deep inside her? Did she say / do this for fear of losing me or because she wants me to react?
  • The third step is commitment. Instead of letting ourselves be carried away by our emotions, choose to control them and lead them to a solution.Our commitment will focus on an agreement.We must not look for culprits, come out of old stories or let words escape that would further intensify the differences
The main cause of disputes is the misuse of empathy. Striving to put yourself in the other's shoes is important to solve what has happened.

We must be able to calm our fury or our rage. The other must feel that we are open. He must be able to feel this empathy, to visualize this attempt of understanding. Our desire to reach an agreement must be noticed.This is not easy and takes time. Not to mention hard work.However, this effort can help us benefit more from our relationships.

Empathy, the difficult and rewarding task of putting yourself in the shoes of others

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