A paradox settles in our lives when a loved one dies: the person dies, but not the love we feel for her. We remain somewhat filled with a feeling that seems to have no owner. It is then necessary to manage the mourning. It is nevertheless valid and necessary to express our love to those who are no longer there in this process of mourning.
We know that there is a process of personal mourning, but also a social process. This relates to funerals, condolences, courtesy calls, etc. This phase is unbelievably short today.It is considered that we must be ready to return to our "normal" life in a few days. That our duty is to do everything in our power to forget. To put aside the difficult experience. Pain that hangs over time or very intense disturb others.
” When my voice disappears with death, my heart will continue to speak to you. “
We sometimes manage to adapt to these social mandates, so that the routine takes back its rights in a short time, with each time more conviction. We may also want to cry while watching a beautiful afternoon, but we hold back.It is also possible that something in us resists saying goodbye and it becomes difficult to live with ourselves and with others. It is possible that in both cases we need to express our love to those who are no longer there.
Honor those who are no longer there
In the strict sense,none of the people we loved dies in US. Something of these still remains, even without us noticing. Part of each of us is inhabited by these presences, even if they are perceived as absences. Feelings do not die either. They pale or restructure their expectations, but they stay there.
So that all cultures have a set of traditionsto honor those who are no longer there. It was customary in the West to visit the graves, to bring them flowers, to pray perhaps. This type of customs has gradually been lost. Cemeteries are not places where people want to be. We have actually run out of ways to express our love to those who are no longer there.
Actions to honor those who are parties are not mere conventionalism. They have a meaning that, in principle, is this possibility of expressing our love to those who are no longer there. It might be more accurate to say that this isof rituals that help us to be at peace despite the absences that inhabit us. We find with them, suffer and look them in the face.
Express our love to those who are no longer there
It is as bad to persist in the pain of a loss as to turn one's eyes to another direction and pretend that what happened has been put aside. People who are no longer there, especially those we have loved deeply or who have played a decisive role in our lives, are always there talking to us.
They come back in moments of loneliness. In subsequent bereavements too.They live here and come back in the form of a passing anxiety, a sadness that fails to go away or a feeling of helplessness that turns into vertigo, migraine, confusion. This is the reason why all ancestral cultures honored those who were no more. They knew it was very important to express our love to them.
Although it is said (and largely true) that human beings are fundamentally present, it may be more accurate to say thatwe are above all things past. We are a story that continues to be told, day by day. Hence the importance of not losing sight of all that precedes us.
How to express our love to those who are no longer there?
One of the most beautiful traditions in the world is the day of the dead in Mexico. This is a celebration halfway between the ritual and the carnival. Every November 1, Mexico remembers those who left. Photographs are exhibited, memories and people who have died are again protagonists in the world of the living.
Mexicans write letters to them, improvise altars, pray. They also go to the cemeteries and sing serenades, proclaiming them to their loved ones. In a word, theymake these ghosts visible. They shape them, speak to them, honor them. They declare that forgetting is impossible and they find themselves with their missing relatives.
It would be good if each of us could do our own ritual to evoke those who left. To express our love to those who are no longer there. To end up with their memory, with the imprint they left us.To recognize that there is an emotional connection, that even death can not break. We will be able to accept the fact that we go through life with our losses and despite them. We will understand then that the only possible destination is neither nothingness nor oblivion.