One of the most common complaints during the first couple therapy sessions is: "He does not understand me" … in reference, obviously to the communication problems between the two people.And this regardless of the length of the relationship, or the age of the people involved in the relationship.
These first flaws are indicative of a conflict that can worsen over time. It is often the expression of the search for a change in the partner. Long discussions, small gifts, and attention have given way to apathy, criticism and defensive or offensive attitudes … even to the point of silence.
But how do we get here?
In our childhood, we were determined by the conduct of our parents. Then, during adolescence and the beginning of adulthood, we began to generate our own attitudes of our experiences.
All that we perceive around us has turned into a certain vision of the world, which is ours. But, it is obvious that our spouse brings his own vision and understanding of the world.
At the called stage of idealism, we project all our expectations and fantasies on each other, and we even accept what normally annoys us. Once past this stage, the first conflict appears and with it, the illogical thoughts like these:
Whoever reads in thought:
"I know what you think, I know you!" Is a typical case of conjugal disputes.Mistakenly, we often think that spending time with our spouse allows us to guess his thoughts and attitudes. But how often are people mistaken in lending intentions to someone?
It's a totally irrational way of thinking. Our thoughts are fixed on the other, as the lighthouse illuminates an immobile object.
In moments of tension, women seek an open listening, without any judgment. They need to be understood. They probably already know how to solve the problem, and seek in their companion the proof of their feelings for them but it comes out of his bag a ready made solution: "You see, it does not matter!"
Nothing silences someone faster than a sentence like, "See, I told you". Comparisons and humiliations create wounds and close communication channels, and it is difficult to discuss with a gentleman or a madam I know everything.
It can be literal or symbolic, at the same dinner table, without an exchange of glances. In the face of the slightest effort to discuss he / she is shielding the television, a book or turns to the other side of the bed.
Both parties feel abandoned by their spouse, or even rejected. The arguments replace the long animated conversations of the beginning.
Void, rage, disappointment, frustration, pain, sadness, these are the feelings that wake up in contact with illogical thoughts. Keeping the silence in front of your spouse increases the pain felt, and the circle closes and starts again: he does not love me anymore, he loves one / another, he takes me for an idiot (e).
In many couples' therapies, both parties are surprised to discover that all their worries and ruminations were only hasty conclusions.